Earlier in the year, I had read this article about a single mom on the edge of poverty, who had turned it around and becoming a self-made millionaire. I remember clamoring to the article, trying to draw similarities between me and this woman, when I read about how she had begun to sabotage herself as she approached her first million. I remember feeling flabbergasted at how she could do such a thing. A woman, a single mother, who was so close to having the ultimate Cinderella story, just admitted that at one point, she was trying to avoid it.
As I continued to read the article, it explained why she had been so willing to sabotage her growing business, albeit not fully comprehending why. To put it simply, she just didn’t believe that she was deserving of acquiring that much wealth. She became consumed with the thoughts of why she didn’t need to continue to grow her business, despite the obvious need for it.
It wasn’t until today, as I drudged out of bed, got ready for work, and unhappily rode the subway, that I got it.
Just like the single mother in the article, who ultimately overcame her thoughts of not deserving the wealth she was acquiring, I am sabotaging myself.
For an hour after clocking into work, I sat at my desk wondering why it is that I haven’t finished that story yet or written my first novel. Why that business plan of mine hasn’t even begun to come into fruition or why I’m still only thinking of what I will do in regards to this blog instead of actually doing it. I realized, that my fears of actually turn any of these things into reality outweighs my ambition to do them, thus leaving me in this unsatisfied limbo.
Truth be told, as much as I’ve reasoned that nothing would make me happier than to be an entrepreneur and doing all the preliminary research to see just how to start my business, the thought of succeeding at it scares me. There is this overwhelming fear that not only will I successfully start my business, but that it just might take off. That people will actually clamor to what it is I’m doing and want to invest in what I’m offering.
For so long I’ve daydreamed about having multiple businesses and not worrying about money, that the mere thought of it being a reality, has sent me running for cover in seeking employment as a run of the mill middle class citizen and plan for a small home and school that offers a latchkey program. The thought that I would be able to drop my daughter off at school and pick her up in the afternoons, be involved in her school’s parent committee and after-school activities scares me. And I can’t quite explain why.
All I know is that my fears are growing at the same speed, if not more, than that of my dreams and ambitions. As a result, it is preventing me from making much of anything a reality. And when I finally do make something a reality, I do it half-heartedly, telling myself that at least I did it.
But how do I overcome this fear and take that leap of faith? Honestly, I’m not sure. The woman in the article finally realized that it was more important to continue to provide a service to different communities with her business than assert that perhaps she needed to slow her pace down. She recognized that a change in pay grade didn’t mean she was no longer allowed to be the person she was prior to her first million. She had to come to terms with the fact that her ambitions didn’t undermine her as person.
So I’m guessing I have to come to the same realizations as well.