Maybe I’m doing this wrong. Maybe instead of questions, I should be doing some else more proactive, like reviewing colleges and universities in the areas and even reviewing apartments. Perhaps, I should be diving into private school searches, instead of showcasing my hesitation. Maybe all he needs is to know that I trust his decision making and that I’m not so self-centered as to think that he is incapable of making a sound decision regarding our future. Maybe that’s where I have gone wrong with all of this.
Yesterday, my boyfriend asked me about moving to Michigan. He told me about a conversation he had with his sister regarding it being a more sound decision than having him move to NY or us relocate to Maryland and potentially find ourselves in the red trying to play catch up for the next couple of years. And it makes sense. Why should he be subjected to moving to NY, without the promise of a job, to try to figure out a way to navigate one of the most expensive states in the nation, while combatting the NY traffic that he has come to dread from the moment he stepped foot in the state. And why should I subject both of us to moving to Maryland with no guarantee of immediate employment for either of us and then having to navigate a new city we don’t know together. It makes sense to move to Michigan. The price of living is significantly cheaper. 
And maybe this hesitation has more to do with the fact that he’s running off of his sister’s suggestion than mine. I’ve brought up the notion of moving to Michigan more than once before in our relationship and he had asserted not having a desire for me to move there. So to know, or at least feel like, he trusts his sister’s call over mines is disheartening. At least the conversations about NY weren’t my parents. They had no direct input and no matter how many times my friends and them sided with me staying in NY because at least I would have support, I let none of their words factor into anything I wanted, if I were to stay. I was content with the idea of remaining in the state and moving almost an hour away from my family and friends. I was willing to even move upstate. 
For me, moving was never about having a safety net, but embarking on a journey and seeing if I could actually do it on my own. What’s the point of having your own family, if you are still reliant on your family to help you with everything? I want seeing my family to be a trip, something that has to be planned out, and can’t be an on whim decision. That if I’m visiting my family and friends that there are other things lined up on my agenda, and it can be a mini vacation. I want a degree of distance.
But even as we talk or rather argue about Michigan, I have no answers regarding proximity to anything. There have been no discussions of how close to his families and friends we should potentially be. I’m entirely dependent on him to help me navigate what would be considered better areas than others and commuting times. I’m reliant on the information he possesses about his home state to help me make an informed decision regarding potential schooling for my daughter and how far is too far to commute to work. And there are no answers. No indication that he has thought about it more than his sister bringing it up to him or his family not wanting him to move so far away.
But perhaps, I’m wrong in all of this. Perhaps, this has nothing to do with his sister’s suggestion, but his desire to know that I would be willing to forsake my home state and dreams of Maryland living to move and be with him. Maybe it’s him trying to see just how much I trust him when it comes to planning our future, and I shouldn’t get so analytical about it, trying to map out the logistics of the state and determining which areas host the most universities of colleges, in search of my qualifications. Or private schools that boast that if I enroll my daughter, not only will she adjust and do well, but they will unlock all her hidden potentials. 
Yet, we are on two very different pages with this, and as much as I want to say “yes, this a great idea, let’s do it,” I can’t. 
I don’t feel secure about it. Not because I would be leaving my family and friends behind, but because there is no apartment that I have fallen in love with yet. Or private school that I want to enroll my daughter in. There isn’t a neighborhood that I have stumbled across with the demographics that I approve of. Nor has a city or town been selected, for me to gather the intel I need to discover distances to universities and colleges I may be interested in. 
I was given a state and that was it. I wasn’t given the promise of a sparkling or bright future, but a state that feels convoluted with mixed messages of whether or not it would be an ideal home for me. 
But like I said earlier, maybe that’s not what I should be so focused on, as much as just trusting my boyfriend and his suggestion. I shouldn’t be upset because of who said the words that got him to consider it as a feasible idea. And I most certainly, shouldn’t display a distrust in his decision to put the state back on the table, after him taking it off the table multiple times. I just don’t want to resent him for the call he’s making and the way he’s making it.


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