They say weddings do this thing to you, they make you either ready to jump the broom or dump the person you are with. I would like to think funerals have the same effect.
I am in no way declaring that I have broken up with my boyfriend or that I desire to, but I do think we have now reached a point in our relationship where a decision needs to be made in regards to how we precede from this point forward.
In thinking about my past relationships, the running motif that was apparent in them was that I never necessarily wanted to be with the guy I was dating. They had always had a desire for me and although I knew I didn’t really want more out of the relationship, I stuck it out. I figured, eventually, they would part ways with me. They would grow bored of my moods and I would be irritable to them. That they would find some reason to no longer desire to be with me. Yet, they always remained. They were even appalled when I ended things, in disbelief that I could not want to be with them.
Then I began to think about all the guys I used to talk to. Guys I had a sincere interest in that I was hoping would progress into a relationship, but never did. Generally, they had very little interest in dating because they still wanted the freedom to see other people and make a more informed decision regarding relationships, but as I was the impatient type, I ended up mourning the loss of a suitor and beginning the pursuit of another. It was a vicious cycle of me feeling heartbroken over a two week romance that didn’t leave the guy interested in being with me anymore than the conversations we had via text.
Naturally, I developed a complex. I mean, why wouldn’t I? I went from guys I had no interest in wanting to be with me and then acting as if I owed them and thus shouldn’t break up with them, to guys I had an interest in that just weren’t ready to commit the way I needed to.
And while I did wait several months before making things official with my boyfriend, it had more to do with my fear of him losing interest like all the other guys I had ever spoken to before coupled with the fact that any new guy in my life would eventually have to meet my daughter and I refused to bring around a guy that wouldn’t become a staple in her life.
When my boyfriend and I had made things official, you couldn’t tell me anything. He was forever. He felt like forever. I was honestly ready to propose to him. I had already picked out rings and considered the different ways in which I could do it. When our first anniversary arrived, I prepared myself for an engagement. Almost every visit he made afterwards or that I saw him, I prepared myself, in the only way I knew how to. And with each visit he made, I wondered if he had spoken to my parents, if he had asked for my hand, if their continued affection for him was because he was gearing up to propose to me. I mean, why else would my mother text me that when he visits he could stay at our house, although we would have to stay in different rooms.
Even up until recently, after my letter denying me admission to the doctorate program arrived, and our plans had gotten tossed up in the air, I considered buying a house. I had begun believing that in lieu of a ring, I could offer him our home to propose. That as I showed off the place that I just bought, I would hand him his keys and ask him to marry me, in what would be our first home with each other.
And now it feels like we are at a crossroads and a decision has to be made. And it’s scary. It’s scary to think that this where we are at right now, because I want him so much. I want the future we dreamt of together. I want it all. But I’m scared that I’m believing in a happily ever that doesn’t really exist. And it’s crazy to think that it’s possible that I could be this ready, and he might not be.