I don’t think anyone should be constantly under high levels of stress. I’m sure that more than enough medical journals have chronicled the importance of stress-free living, yet it seems like there isn’t one career that doesn’t come with it’s own assortment of stress. Furthermore, I feel as though I’ve reached a point in which I’ve gotten so use to the stress and the ailments that come with it, that the moments that there aren’t stress I feel as though I’m forgetting something, and thus begin to stress myself out by ladling my plate with more tasks than necessary to substitute for the obvious lack of stress.
I am a volatile ball of emotions and maybe that is subsequently why I can declare that I have my lazy girl habits. When I’m forced to be so high strung about everything, it’s the little things that get to me more than the bigger things. It’s the obvious things that I begin to neglect. It’s this moment of burrowing myself away with this seething anger and just waiting for someone to step on one of my carefully placed land mimes to unleash a revenue of hell that I think even the Devil might be afraid of.
But can you blame me?
I haven’t had a mental health day in, God knows how long, and my job doesn’t necessarily provide many opportunities for me to have one. More than once I find myself looking at my calendar and pay day schedule, trying to determine just how many days I can save away for a get a way and in the very same token, wondering if I can sustain until the next office holiday, where I can recline in bed and not have to head into work.
My job has given me this warped sense of worth, that the slightest shortcomings feel as though I have subsequently screwed everything up for the entire company. As if they inaccurately placed their faith in me. And part of the reason it’s so hard for me request days off is just because of that and with the level of blunders I have been encountering lately, you would think I would cut my loses and take that much needed personal day, but I’m not.
And it’s not just the stress from work that has me this rampaging mad woman, it’s stress from home life as well.
No sooner as I am walking through the front door, the stress resumes. Suddenly, I’m being lectured about one thing if not another, being informed that I’m too this or too that. The way I raise my daughter falls under scrutiny and my daughter, as rambunctious as she is, still can’t decipher when it’s time to play or be serious. So she gets stuck in the cross fire of my ill-timed wrath. And if that wasn’t bad enough, then the stress of my relationship falls into the fold. My lack of attention, my lack of communication, and my overall lack of being has frustrated him to the point that he no longer knows how to respond to me and it turns into yet another ugly argument of who’s right and who’s wrong and who can talk over who.
By the time my night has officially come to an end, I’m so exhausted from all the stress that all I can do is collapse into slumber to wake up and do it all over again.
But stress isn’t healthy and the level of stress that I have in my life and the way it weighs me down is especially unhealthy. My shortcomings don’t come off as personal blunders that no one can notice or affect much, but feel as though I have accidentally knocked into a support beam and have caused an entire room to cave in. There is this insurmountable pressure that no matter how much I try to escape is exactly what I’ve made my bed of.
So when you factor in my constant evolving mental and emotional state, it makes sense why my emotions are so volatile and why little things trigger me the way they do. Or why, I have spent years bottling up every emotion I’ve had, so I wouldn’t have to deal with it on top of everything else that I was dealing with that was creating equal amounts of stress.
The only difference between me then and me now, is that I no longer want to keep lashing out. I no longer want to keep subjecting those closest to me to isolation while I try to regain enough of my composure to rebuild whatever it is I believed I’ve destroyed, single-handedly.