February 

Today is the third day of February. My birthday is only three days away and rather than be excited about it, or even counting it down, I’m spending my days staring at my phone and checking my email. This is the month that I will find out if I got accepted into the doctoral program or not and nothing has me sweating more than the possibility of a rejection letter. And no matter how much I try not to dwell on it, I can’t help but wonder what is taking so long. Why can’t I be put out of my misery of waiting to find out? 

I remember the last time my nerves were like this regarding admission results, was when I was applying for private high schools. There was one school in particular that I really wanted to get into and when I was receiving my acceptance and denial letters in the mail from all the other schools I had applied to, the letter of them just showed up. I remembered spending an entire day crying as my mom made a decision off of what letters had actually arrived versus the letter I was waiting on. I was so miserable, that my mother eventually called the school, but not before already accepting my seat at another school and putting a down deposit on it, to find out the status of my admission results. It turns out I was accepted but they were a bit slow in mailing out the letters.

 

And here I am again, with that same level of anxiety, checking both the physical mail and my email and my voicemail for a potential glimmer that the results are in and that I’ve been accepted.

 

Although I do have a back-up plan if I am not accepted as to where to go regarding my next degree and reapplying, I can’t help but want this now. I can’t help but want Plan A to be the only plan that requires execution, although I have everything semi lined up for Plan B to take effect if necessary.

 

So I’m stuck waiting, because I don’t want to be that person that phones in with her mounting anxiety and harasses them for confirmation of when admission results will be available and even more whether or not they can inform me of mine. But waiting sucks. I just want to know now.

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