I’m generally an optimistic person- mostly because I don’t like dwelling on negatives or beating myself up over poor decisions. For me, it has always been easier to deal with my more positive and upbeat emotions than my negative ones. But today has presented itself as one of those days in which I don’t get a choice in which emotions I choose to bask in and which ones I don’t.
Since the start of the year, I’ve been aligning myself in the hopes of obtaining my doctorate and moving out of my parents’ house. I’ve been mentally prepping myself for the expenses that would come with it and being a responsible adult. After all, the thought of being independent of my parents is exhilarating. Especially when you factor in, independence from my parents means for the first time in my life I will actually get to mother my daughter the way I want to, vs the way they assert I should. Aside from the excitement of that, I’ve been happily in love and overtly ambitious. My desires to turn writing from past time to a legit career became real.
The year isn’t even over yet and I’m all ready to throw in the towel. My mom’s words have brought me to shambles. My dreams and ambitions now seem frivolous after listening to her. The happiness that I was able to cocoon myself with, is gone. The loneliness that I had avoided over the past two years has come surging back.
All I want to do is crawl into bed and cry. I want to drop out of my Master’s program, even though I’m literally a few short weeks from completion of the course and earning my degree. I don’t want to bother with pushing to obtain my Doctorate and I don’t want to continue to falsify a dream that everyone has informed me isn’t worth having.
They always say the homestretch is the hardest, but this homestretch is just unbearable. As close as I am to the finish line, as little energy that is needed to get across, as much as I can see all of it in the distance, I just don’t want to do it anymore. I have nothing left in me that can serve as motivation to do it anymore.