It’s been 13 days since my last post and I honestly wish I could blame that hiatus on my writing. I’d like to believe it would be absolutely exciting to apologize for my absence and blame it on this writing project I’ve started that is consuming all of my time, but unfortunately I can’t. I can’t even blame my hiatus on an editing project or a publishing project. All things literary have come to a screeching halt in my life to just let life take over.
So, my hiatus has been a result of life being more consuming than usual.
For starters, I think it’s no secret that my ex has returned to my life in hopes of fixing his estranged relationship with my daughter and that I have been more than hesitant to let him. I can assure you that I have good reason for this, but my good reason isn’t enough to get him to just leave us alone. Maybe if this effort was made a few months ago or even a year ago, I wouldn’t be so annoyed and frustrated by it. But alas, I’m annoyed and frustrated by it, because as much as I tell myself that I have no obligation to respond to his messages, I have to respond them. It’s the polite thing to do and even though his efforts to reconnect are poor, they are efforts and I should exert the same amount of effort he is putting forth to provide him with the necessary answer to his questions.
That aside, my daughter has entered this new chapter of life where she has gone full brat. She is whiny and fussy and becoming one of those kids that you shake your head at when they act up in the store and their parent does nothing about it. Yeah, that’s my daughter currently. I’m almost at my wits end with her and I’m not even sure why I am. All I know is that I’m frustrated to the point that I can’t function and I’m shoving things in her hands just to get her to quiet down so I can formulate a thought again.
And there is my relationship, which has been going through a bit of a rough patch lately. The communication is off and I’ve just been feeling like I’m coming up short in every way possible. It’s almost like every time I begin to make process and our relationship gets back on the right track again, something happens that derails it and it remains this awkward derailed state with no progress of changing because of heightened frustrations. Honestly, much of the reason that it gets back on track is caused by just being tired of being derailed.
So in summary, I have reached peak frustration in life with just about everything and everyone. While writing does provide a chance for me to clear my mind and focus and regain some control, it’s constantly being pushed to the backburner because of more pressing things. Like getting my finances in order. With so many trips coming up and so many expensive ventures to account for, it’s becoming extremely difficult to not feel the pressure of my current financial state. With that comes the realization that very soon I will be ending my Master’s program and applying for doctorate program and the possibility of succumbing to online schooling again as well as the terror of being in an actual classroom. While I very much want my doctorate, I’m very much scared of the workload and commitment that is about to come with it. I’m also terrified of these impending costs that are currently hidden in terms of it. Overall, I’m just a flustered mess trying to focus on one thing at a time while feeling tugged in a million directions at once.
Maybe frustrated is the right term, maybe I should be using overwhelmed. Let’s blame my hiatus on being extremely overwhelmed.