I will be in his arms. I will be getting off my plane, grabbing my bag from baggage claims and jumping into his arms. The arms that I’ve slept without being wrapped around for over a month now. In less than a week, I get to be in them again. And if we are being quite frank, I can’t wait.
I remember when I was about twelve, I had a dream about trying to run away to Michigan, needing to escape there. I remember everything around me preventing me from going. This impending marriage to some kid I didn’t know who decided to clearly run away the same way I was trying to on our wedding day. His mom refusing to let me leave and instead subjecting to me search for my runaway fiancé. And my school friends cleaning the floors to the hallway of my reception, telling me that I wasn’t getting married and that they didn’t believe because of how I was dressed. And me, desperately trying to figure out how to escape to Michigan while searching for my runaway fiancé and trying to figure out why my wedding dress was a white halter top and mini skirt for my winter wedding that was happening in the middle of July.
And now here I am, less than a week away from making the trip that adolescent dream me was so desperate to make. But instead of running away from an impending marriage to a stranger, I’m running into the only arms that I’ve ever felt love radiate out of in a way that proves I am more than I originally believed to be.
It kind of feels like God was trying to tell me not to waste my time trying to be with a guy from New York. Almost as if he was trying to usher me a warning long before I would actually need one. And if that dream was any type of foreshadowing, it was a really good one, that I just unfortunately didn’t pay much closer attention to.
I found love in the arms of a man who lives in Michigan. I ran from the possibility of a future with my ex, who was from New York, and reluctantly stuck around in an attempt to please his mother, who I feel likes expects me to finish raising him for her, which I won’t. Neither me nor my ex wanted a future together. He was just much better at postponing the possibility of it, while my mind searched for the first exit I could to get out of it. And it took us having a daughter for us to finally cut ties with each other, which is quite the opposite of what you would expect having a child would do. But I think our daughter made us realize that the only reason we stayed together was because we couldn’t find a way out of our relationship and successfully remain out of it. We didn’t want a future with each other, but having a present with each other was okay as long as we didn’t think too far ahead. Our relationship was quintessentially a result of us being too lazy to look for someone better.
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t resent him for quite some time after our breakup, but I don’t think I can really be blamed for that. Regardless of if you see yourself spending the rest of your life with a person or not, being cheated on and lied to is devastating and probably more devastating if you actually loved and saw a future with that person.
But all of this is beside the point. I found love. I found actual love in the most unexpected way possible. All the things I have ever prayed for in a soulmate and lover and future husband and father of my children, I found in him. Perfection personified. So being away from him, physically, for over a month has been difficult. Probably more so difficult this time around than it was previously, because the last time he was here we shared a bed together. I got to fall asleep with his arms around me and I’ve been spoiled by it. Falling asleep on Facetime together doesn’t have the same effect, so I can’t wait to get there and jump in his arms and just have him hold me again. I can’t wait to feel his body against mine at night and be able to fall asleep without fear of waking up to our Facetime call being dropped or him having to hang up to head out to work.
I can’t wait until we can finally close the gap in the amount of miles that stand between us daily and are able to come home together.
But for right now, I’m just dying of anticipation of being able to bridge that gap, even though it’s only for the weekend, in less than a week.